


Defining Intimacy

by Donovanspen



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Bodily Functions (nonexplicit), Embarrassed Alec Lightwood, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Hurt/Comfort, Injured Alec Lightwood, M/M, Protective Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-11 22:10:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16861186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donovanspen/pseuds/Donovanspen
Summary: When Alec is injured on a mission, he is uncomfortable with the level of help he needs.





	Defining Intimacy

**Author's Note:**

> This was written as a result of a prompt (Alec would be hurt, felt embarrassed and Jace with Magnus would help him and taking care of him). I hope I haven’t strayed too far from the request. I wanted to highlight those moments that couples share that aren’t always sexy or romantic, those vulnerable parts that we don’t talk about but that most who have been in long and/or committed relationships have experienced. 
> 
> (Unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine. Please feel free to let me know of any typos, and I'll gratefully correct them.)

Alec’s hands felt as if they were on fire. They were red and blistered and not responding to any magic, not his healing rune or Catarina’s magic. Getting back to the Institute’s infirmary had been excruciating, but even now while lying still on the bed, the pain was becoming unbearable. But he was the Head of the New York Institute. He couldn’t let anyone see him falter.

Catarina shook her head and dropped her hands from where they had been hovering over Alec.  “I’m afraid these wounds are resistant to magic. Whatever you touched must have contained some element that is rendering our magic ineffective.  I’m afraid you’ll have to heal naturally. It shouldn’t take too long with your angel blood, but it will be several days.”

“I can’t,” Alec protested. “There’s too much going on. I need my hands.”

“Probably should have thought of that before you touched magic-infused items,” Catarina pointed out. “These are magical burns.  You’re lucky they’re even responding to medication and will heal, albeit slower than you’d like. It could be so much worse.”

“It was a door,” Alec huffed. “He went through a door, and I followed him. I had no way of knowing he’d placed a spell on it. Magnus.” Alec turned towards his boyfriend who had been standing beside the bed. “There’s nothing that can be done? How am I supposed to run the Institute if I can’t use my hands?”

“I’m sorry, dear, but Cat is right,” Magnus replied. “You’ll just have to wait it out.”

“Just a couple of days,” Catarina predicted. “There are some who’ve lost so much more for longer periods of time. I’m sure a strong Shadowhunter as yourself can handle a few days of being inconvenienced.”

A faint flush covered Alec’s cheeks as he dropped his eyes, but he nodded at Catarina’s words. He understood perfectly what she meant, and she was right. Magnus had lost so much more. Alec hadn’t wanted to call him, but Isabelle had insisted when she and Jace had dropped him off at the infirmary before heading back out to complete the mission. Alec hated worrying him, and judging by the look on his face, Magnus was straddling the line between worry and frustration.

“I do have some ointments that should help with the pain. I can drop them off by the loft this evening.”

“That would be wonderful, Cat. Thank you.”

“Yes,” Alec agreed. “Thank you, Cat.”

Catarina gave Alec a little nod, and then placed a supportive hand on Magnus’ shoulder as she walked out.

Magnus watched his friend leave, and then stood aside while the medic tended to Alec’s hands, applying a topical medication and then wrapping his hands in gauze.

“How are you feeling?” Magnus asked once they were alone.

“My hands feel like they’ve been doused in kerosene and then lit on fire,” Alec groused.

“You probably shouldn’t have declined the pain reliever. I know you have a high tolerance, but there is no reason to suffer needlessly,” Magnus pointed out.

“I’m fine.” Alec swung his legs over the side of the hospital bed, and instinctively placed his hands on the bed to steady himself. “Dammit!” he yelled as pain spread throughout his hands and shot up his arms. He pulled his hands to his lap and curled in on himself.

Magnus reached for him but stopped short of actually making contact, his hands hovering in the air nears his arms. “Alexander, are you all right?”

Alec took several deep breaths and blinked back tears. He nodded but kept his arms folded and close to his chest and tried again, easing off the table. ‘I’m ok.”

“Do you want to go home, or would you rather rest in your room?”

“I need to write up the report on this mission, and we didn’t catch whoever did this. I need to go to my office.”

“Alexander, you’re in no condition to work right now. You’re clearly in pain.”

“I’ll be fine, Magnus, but I can’t leave now.”

It only took twenty minutes for Alec to realize that Magnus was right. Everything he tried to do involved flexing his hands in some way, and it was becoming difficult to push past the pain. Magnus had followed him into his office and had been sitting quietly on the sofa, apparently just waiting for this moment.

“Alexander, I think you need to call it a day. If you keep stressing your hand, you may cause permanent damage.”

Magnus had just spoken the very thought that Alec had been trying to ignore. As an archer, his hands couldn’t be compromised, but he had never been one who was good at sitting and waiting. And knowing that there was a Warlock out there leaving dangerous magical residue around, Alec was hard pressed to not stay on point, no matter how bad he felt. And he felt terrible. In addition to the pain in his hands, his head was throbbing, and his stomach was in knots.

“Magnus, I can’t leave.”

“I understand, dear, but you can’t handle this on your own. As much as I hate to say it, you need to contact Lorenzo and work with him. Well not you, personally. You have Jace and Isabelle in the field. Have them work with Lorenzo. They’ll accomplish more. And you have often said that Underhill is very capable. I’m sure your team can handle this for the next twenty-four hours, and then we can reevaluate how you’re doing.”

He hated giving in to any weakness, and he hated the idea of having to rely on his team to do what he couldn’t, but Magnus was right. He made the calls and allowed Magnus to take him home. He even agreed to the painkiller Magnus offered and mercifully slept the afternoon away.

 

Alec rolled over and immediately became alert as his hands hit the mattress. He glanced at the clock on the nightstand and saw that it was early evening. The pain medicine had worn off, and the fiery pain in his hands was starting to build again. He wanted to get up, but he also didn’t want to move. He didn’t want to think. He couldn’t do anything for himself, and he hated to ask Magnus. He always relied on him, and that reliance had cost his boyfriend so much. Alec had always seen himself as a protector, and he felt as if he had done nothing but fail Magnus. He closed his eyes, but the pain in his hands and his racing thoughts prevented him from falling back asleep.

 

 

“It’s strange but domesticity seems to suit you,” Catarina commented from where she was perched against the kitchen counter.

Magnus snorted as he finished stirring the soup and then replaced the lid on the pot. “Darling, I have always been adept at basic tasks. And I’m a fabulous cook.”

“And taking care of your Shadowhunter gives you the perfect opportunity to focus on him and not your own issues.”

“Be nice,” Magnus chided, “or I won’t be sending any of this delicious soup home with you.”

Catarina laughed. “As if Madzie or I needed anything loaded with that many healing herbs and spices. Your boy is strong. He’ll make it through this.”

“But terribly impatient at times. I’m worried that he might cause irreparable damage if he keeps pushing himself.”

“Well, the ointments I brought over will help. You can apply the first coating when he wakes up, and then just keep him still. Watch a movie or something. If he takes another painkiller tonight, it should make him sleepy, and his hands will get a break.”

Magnus was just about to respond when he heard a knock at the door. The wards that Catarina had set up alerted him to the fact that his visitor was a friend. He wasn’t really surprised to see Jace at his door, especially with Alec being laid up. Ever since his magic loss, his guests had taken to waiting to be let in as opposed to his former open door policy. Catarina had also placed a spell on every entry into the loft that would only allow those to enter who meant no harm, but Alec had still insisted that even their closest friends be invited in, just in case.

“Hey, Magnus. Thought I’d stop by to check on Alec.”

“Of course,” he replied, stepping aside so his guest could enter. “He’s still asleep. The medicine pretty much knocked him out.”

“What?” Jace turned around to stare at him. “Alec’s been awake for the past half hour at least. I can feel him stressing out through our bond. I figured he was giving you grief, so I came over to help. He’s not an easy patient.”

“None of you are.” He kept his voice flat, hoping the hurt he felt didn’t come through. Alec had been awake and hadn’t reached out to him. And now his parabatai was here to do what he obviously hadn’t wanted Magnus to do. “He’s in the bedroom,” Magnus told him and turned and headed back into the kitchen before Jace could reply.

 

 

Alec tensed up when he heard the bedroom door open.

“Hey, it’s me,” Jace announced as he came in.

“The light switch is on your left,” Alec told him, feeling a little bit of relief with Jace’s arrival. He squinted at the sudden brightness.

“What’s going on, man?” Jace walked over and took a seat on the side of the bed.

Alec rolled over and pushed himself up with his elbows, and then scooted back until he was sitting up and facing his friend. “Did you find him?”

“Not yet. Lorenzo is actually being very helpful right now. The Warlocks don’t like the idea of turning on one of their own, but they also don’t want their entire community to suffer the consequences of one rogue warlock. Lorenzo is lucky he has their support, but that’s not what’s got you so worked up. Talk to me.”

Alec shrugged and held out his hands.

“Yeah, I heard,” Jace sighed, “but they’ll heal. You’ll be picking up a bow in no time.”

“It’s not that.” Alec shook his head. “I can’t do anything right now. They hurt even when I’m not moving, and if I’m not careful, I can cause permanent damage. Jace, I can’t stand being this helpless.”

“Yeah, I get it.”

“No, you don’t,” Alec insisted, his voice rising. “You wouldn’t want Clary to have to take care of you like this, dressing you and feeding you like you were an infant. I don’t want Magnus to see me this way, and I sure as hell can’t be in the Institute.”

Jace was silent for a moment before he nodded. “Ok, yeah. I hear you. It sucks but you don’t have a lot of options here. You know I’ll help you however I can, but you shouldn’t count Magnus out. He’s not going to see it like that.”

The pain and frustration was building, and Alec was feeling the last bit of his control begin to slip. “Jace.”

“All right. What do you need?”

“Right now, um, I need the bathroom.” He was sure his face was bright red, but like Jace had said, he didn’t have a lot of options. “I just need help with the belt and the buckles. I can do the rest.”

“Ok. Let’s do this.”

Alec was grateful that Jace wasn’t a talker. He grabbed Alec’s arm and steadied him as he stood. He then made quick work of the belt and undid his pants. He gave him a light slap on the arm. “Good to go.”

“Thanks,” Alec whispered, still embarrassed despite Jace’s efficiency and nonchalance.  “Can you look in the second drawer of the dresser and pull out a t-shirt and pair of sleep pants? I’ll put them on when I come out.”

Alec made his way to the bathroom and nudged the door shut behind him and then used his arm to switch on the light.  He knew that he would have to use his hands, but he figured he would just push through and then be done. He sorely underestimated his limitations, and by the time he had finished, he was in so much pain that he felt dizzy and nauseous.

“Jace.”

Jace was in the bathroom and by his side in a matter of seconds, holding him up before he could slide to the floor. “Geez, Alec. You should have asked for help.”

“I did.”

“Not when it counted.” Jace led him back over to the bed. “Lie down for a minute and see if that helps. Look we’re brothers, and we’ve undressed in front of each other countless times over the years. We’re a part of each other, but I’m sure Magnus has seen all of you up close and personal.”

“I hate you.”

“Sure you do. You ready to change into these clothes?”

Alec nodded. The pain was a steady throbbing now, and not likely to get much better so might as well. Sadly, if he focused on the pain, he could distract himself from the indignity of having to have his parabatai dress him.

“There, that wasn’t so bad,” Jace commented, after he had managed to get Alec changed.

“I’ll be sure to remind you of this the next time you’re laid up,” Alec muttered.

“Not likely to happen since I’m way more careful than you. You ready to mix and mingle? I’m sure Magnus would like to see how you’re doing. He seemed a little hurt that you didn’t let him know you were awake.”

Alec felt a small stab of guilt. He didn’t want Magnus to have to care for him in this way, but that didn’t mean he didn’t want to be near him. In fact, he was craving some closeness with his boyfriend, and now that he didn’t have any urgent needs that needed tending, he felt a little calmer about approaching him. “Yeah, let’s go.”

 

“How long are you planning to brood?” Catarina asked.

“Since when does washing dishes constitute as brooding?” Magnus placed the last of the dishes in the drying rack. He’d been grateful that Cat had given him space after Jace arrived, but it appeared as if that grace period was up. But he still wasn’t in the mood to talk about anything relating to his magic or Jace’s arrival. “So tell me again what’s in this ointment you made?”

Catarina arched a brow before shaking her head and giving in to Magnus’s need for a distraction. She went through the list of ingredients as well as her process for making the ointment, followed by instructions on how to apply it.

“What about a poultice?” Magnus asked, gearing up for another set of questions.

“Enough,” Catarina declared. “You already know all of this. The only reason I made it instead of you is that I practice much more along the lines of healing and could make it faster. Now stop stalling and really talk to me. I need to get home soon, and I’m not leaving here until I know you’re ok.”

“I’m fine,” he tried, but Catarina’s blunt expression told him she wasn’t buying it. “Fine. I’m frustrated, and I’m hurt. It wasn’t so long ago that he was fighting for his life with an arrow through his chest. I was powerless to help him then, and I’m powerless to help him now.”

“You’re not. He doesn’t need magic right now. He needs his boyfriend.”

“Apparently not. Cat, I’m right here, and he sends out a distress call to his parabatai. Sometimes, it just hurts to be reminded that I’m always going to come in second place in Alexander’s life.” A soft gasp from the doorway had Magnus turning around and seeing both Alec and Jace standing at the entrance to the kitchen. Alec was staring at him, his mouth turned down in a frown.

Jace was the first one to speak up. “Sounds like you two need some time together. Alec, I promise it’ll be all right. Take care of business here. I’ll check with you tomorrow.”

“And I’ll walk you out,” Catarina moved past Magnus. “Call me if there are any complications with his hands.”

Despite the fact their friends had obviously intended for them to talk, Magnus was finding that he wasn’t quite up for that just yet. Alec was still standing there, looking miserable, but he hadn’t offered any words either. He had changed into sleep pants and a t-shirt, obviously with Jace’s help, and that realization sent a stab of pain through Magnus. “Go have a seat. I made some soup that should help.”

“Magnus.”

“Alexander, please.” He didn’t mean to sound harsh, but he needed Alec to understand that now wasn't the time.

Alec didn’t press but instead left the kitchen as Magnus had requested. Soup, Magnus thought. First he would get some food in him and then apply the ointment. Everything else could wait.

 

No matter what he did, he always seemed to mess it up. He hadn’t wanted to be a burden to Magnus, but he never intended to hurt him. He sat on the sofa, physically unable to stay on his feet. He wouldn’t have guessed that an injury to one part of his body would affect his entire being.

“All right, dear. I made you my famous soup, known worldwide for its tremendous healing properties.” Magnus placed a mug on the coffee table.

So they were just going to pretend he hadn’t overheard Magnus’s comment about Jace. Alec didn’t want to make matters worse, but he couldn’t just let it go. He stared at the mug and knew that he would never be able to pick it up without spilling it. His time in the bathroom had provided great clarity as to his limitations. “I’m not really hungry.”

“Eating will help the healing process and will also keep you from feeling sick if you need to take another pill tonight. I won’t force you, but I do strongly encourage you to try it. If you’d like, I can hold the cup for you. I thought that might be preferable to be being spoon fed.”

Alec felt a wave of shame wash over him. Magnus was being so supportive, and Alec was letting his own insecurities hurt the man he loved. “I’m sorry. That would be great if you could do that for me.”

“Of course. You only need to ask, dear.” Magnus picked up the cup and held it to his lips, tipping it slightly so Alec could drink.

The warm broth slid down his throat, and Alec was surprised at how good it felt. This wasn’t so bad, and the soup was delicious. “Mmmm” he sighed when Magnus pulled the cup away to give him a break. “Magnus, that is so good.”

“I’m glad you like it. Tomorrow morning, we can try a smoothie with a straw.”

“Magnus. About earlier, it’s not true.”

“Alexander.”

“No, please. I need you to know it’s not true.”

Magnus placed the cup on the coffee table and rubbed his hands together. “Alexander, I won’t lie and say that I'm not hurt, but I do feel that we can talk about this later. Let’s just concentrate on getting you well.”

“I didn’t call Jace. He came because he could tell I was upset, but it wasn’t towards you. I was frustrated because I can’t do anything. I hate the idea of being this burden. You shouldn’t have to take care of me like this.”

“And why not?” Magnus asked. “Would you do any less for me?”

"Of course not.” Alec didn’t know how to put it into words that he would do anything for Magnus and felt as if he’d already taken so much from him. “But this is different.”

“How so?” Magnus asked.

Alec fidgeted for a moment, wishing he could run his hands through his hair or flex his fingers, any of his usual nervous habits. “Have you ever been in a position like this before with anyone that you’ve dated?”

Magnus seemed surprised by the question. “Well, no, but....”

“Don’t tell me I’m different. I know that you’ve been in committed relationships before.”

“I have,” Magnus agreed, “but you are different. Never doubt that. And while this particular situation has never come up before, I have cared for loved ones, and I know you would do the same. Case in point, you allowed Jace to help you earlier.”

“Jace is my brother, my parabatai. He’d never leave me.”

“And you truly believe I would?”

“Rationally, no,” Alec said.  “But the thought of losing you scares me. I don’t ever want you to think it’s too much, and now this after giving up your magic. I want to bring more to this relationship instead of always taking from you.”

Magnus reached out and placed his hand on Alec’s cheek. “You give me so much. Never doubt that.”

“Then why won’t you let me help you? Every time I bring up your magic, you shut me out.”

Magnus brushed his thumb across Alec’s cheek before removing his hand. “Now that is different. I realize you want to help, and you are. Just because I'm not talking it out doesn’t mean you’re not helping. You hold me at night when I can’t sleep. You take precautions to make sure our home is protected and that I’m safe. You love me and hold me and let me know that I’m so much more to you than my magic.”

“You’re everything,” Alec whispered. “I would give anything for you.”

“As would I for you, if you would let me.”

Alec dropped his head, having received Magnus’s words. He was still uncomfortable with the idea of Magnus having to care for him in this way, but knowing that his reluctance was hurting Magnus, he resolved to try.  “I’m sorry I’ve been so difficult.”

“No need to apologize. Now how about some more soup, and then I can tend to those hands. Afterwards, we can curl up and maybe watch a movie.”

“Sounds perfect.” Alec leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to Magnus’s lips, a wave of warmth flowing over him when he heard Magnus’s contented little sigh.

 

 

Alec shifted and tried not to wake Magnus. He’d been awake for the past thirty minutes and the ache in his hands was steadily progressing as well as the pressure on his bladder. They’d spent the evening cuddled up on the sofa together as Magnus had suggested, and he’d been able to relax and enjoy the movie.  He’d hoped that the painkiller he’d taken would allow him to sleep through the night, but apparently luck was not on his side.

He decided to see if he could go on his own without waking Magnus. He hadn’t tried since Jace had left earlier, and he convinced himself that his hands had to have rested enough that he could do even this simple task alone. He eased out of bed and made his way to the bathroom, quietly closing the door behind him. Surely, this would be so much easier since he was wearing sleep pants this time around. He was wrong. Even flexing his hands the slightest amount resulted in a wave of pain that left him gasping. Black spots danced before his eyes, and he leaned against the wall to catch his breath.

He wasn’t going to be able to do this. Now that he was up and moving around, the pressure on his bladder was increasing, and with his inability to use his hands, he was coming dangerously close to having an accident. Out of options, he called out for help.

“Magnus.”

The bathroom door opened seconds later, indicating that Alec hadn’t been as stealthy as he’d thought.

“Alexander?”

He lifted his hand to motion towards the toilet but stopped short as the movement triggered another spasm of pain.

Magnus only nodded and placed a hand on Alec’s shoulder, guiding him the remaining steps.  Alec couldn’t bring himself to meet his boyfriend’s eyes. He briefly considered whether he could just endure the pain and allow Magnus to help him afterwards. When he felt Magnus’s hands on the waist band of his pants, he wished the black spots would return and consume him.

“This reminds me of a time when Ragnor and I had to hide out after his dalliance with the intended of a powerful warlock ally. We drained our magic getting away and ended up hiding out in this tiny one room cabin. It was the turn of the century, so this cabin had very basic amenities. It was the dead of winter and we were holed up in there for three days.” Magnus pulled the sleep pants down and immediately moved over to the sink and began playing with his hair while looking in the mirror.

Alec tried to concentrate on Magnus’s voice and purposely not think of anything else. They shared so many intimacies together, but this was on a completely different level for Alec.

“Since we weren’t using our magic, we had to get by with whatever was at our disposal. We found some food that wasn’t quite fresh and ended up with a terrible case of food poisoning. Now mind you, this cabin didn’t have bathrooms but chamber pots.” Magnus chuckled at the memory. “All good?”

“Yeah,” Alec answered, grateful for the distraction.

Magnus helped him redress and then reached around him and flushed the toilet. “Ragnor and I were so embarrassed after those few days together that we didn’t speak to one another for at least two decades. It’s funny. Back then, we could barely face each other, and now, I’d give just about anything to have more time with him.”

“That is quite the story,” Alec said, embarrassment still simmering through him.

“Are you good to get back to bed on your own? I need to take a turn myself.”

“I’m good. Thank you.” Alec replied, needing a moment for himself. The pain was warring against the uneasiness of the situation, and he was ready to put this episode behind him.

“Hmmm, a few more hours before we need to get up,” Magnus said when he slid back into bed next to Alec. “Think you can sleep now?”

“Maybe.” He felt Magnus pat him on the shoulder, and he shifted around until he was spooned up against Magnus’s chest. “Was that a true story?”

“Hmmm, it was. Seemed an appropriate time to share it.” Magnus pressed a soft kiss to his shoulder and situated the covers over them. “Are you all right?”

“My hands hurt, but otherwise I'm ok. Thank you for helping me. I’m sorry I’m making this so weird,” Alec muttered.

“It’s not weird,” Magnus assured him. “Intimacy comes in many different fashions. I suppose that’s why I was feeling a bit insecure earlier, perhaps a little jealous even. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable in various ways can be daunting, but I want this with you. All I see is the man I love needing my help.  I count myself very fortunate that we’re here together.”

Alec felt his eyes beginning to sting, and he was grateful for the cover of darkness.  He understood the importance of what Magnus was saying, but shedding tears right now was more than he could bear. “I don’t like this situation, but I really am glad you’re here with me.”

Magnus pressed another kiss against his temple. “As am I.”


End file.
